Tagged: limericks

Life is but a dream

Do you think it could ever be done
Using boats on the Seine in the sun
They have a boat race
In every place
Why on Earth shouldn’t Paris have one?

The expression is ‘fermez la bouche’
You can’t race with a damned bateau-mouche
They race in canoes
With professional crews
Not these things, you daft little douche

The river is well deep and wide
You could run at least two side by side
If you’ve too much fear
To ever come near
Then perhaps you should just run and hide

Let me say in a spirit didactical
I consider your idea impractical
Just think of the wake
These blighters would make
You need to be thinking more tactical

Do you think I am stupid? Good Lord,
There wouldn’t be people on board
Still, if there’s no chance
We can do it in France,
I’ll try in Norway, on a fjord

I wrote this in response to Kreative Kue 148, issued on this site earlier this week. Feel free to join in; just follow the link.

Sail of the century?

In weakness, I might have let slip
Our reason for building this ship
I auctioned my dentures
To finance adventures
And next, I’ll be selling my hip

You have to be joking, old man
If you seriously think that you can
Win over our hearts
When you sell body parts
To build your damned catamaran

You really are so full of bull
This vessel has only one hull
I’ll give you a slap
If you think you can wrap
This sailor in soft cotton wool

This isn’t about mollycoddle
It’s just this particular model
Does not have the strength
To cover the length
Of the ocean that’s known as ‘the Puddle’

You lot have no sense of romance
I’ll do it and take my best chance
Yes, it will be rough
But I’m man enough
I just need a small cash advance

So what is the next thing you’ll sell?
Your liver and kidneys as well?
Try using your brains
While at least that remains.
Or just do it, and bid us farewell!

You may think you’re being quite funny,
But let me tell you something sonny
I’ll not call it quits
Though I’ve sold all my bits
And there’s nowt left that’s worth any money.

Go on then, prepare to depart
I’ll give you a fiver to start
And I’ll be first to gloat
When you sink with this boat
It’s not finished, you silly old f***

I wrote this in response to Kreative Kue 147, issued on this site earlier this week. Feel free to join in; just follow the link.

Kreative Kue 143

Kreative Kue 142 asked for submissions based on this photograph:

John W Howell, author of the John Cannon trilogy of My GRL, His Revenge and Our Justice, and who blogs at Fiction Favorites, sent:

Carry out by John W. Howell © 2017

“Yes hello.”

“Yes, this is the Beef-O-Rama. How may I help you?”

“Um okay. Yes, we have carry out. I think we can handle that. Sure thing. Thanks for calling. We’ll expect you at six o’clock. Goodbye.”

“Who was that?”

“A customer.”

“What kind of customer?”

“A very big customer.”

“What did they want?”

“They wanted to know if our menu was okay for carry out.”

“You told them yes, right?”

“I sure did.”

“And they’ll be here at six o’clock.”

“That’s what they said.”

“Did they order something?”

“Yes, they ordered some steaks.”

“Steaks for carryout. I’m surprised.”

“Well, they said it was a special occasion.”

“I can believe that.”

“Well, I’d better get busy.”

“Busy how?”

“To get their order ready.”

“Wait it’s only one o’clock. What’s the rush?”

“I have to order the meat and potatoes and green beans and then start the prep for the grill. Then I need to hire about twenty people—”

“Hold on. What are you talking about?”

“Oh, I forgot to tell you.”


” The order is for a hundred steak dinners.”

“A-a hundred? Who was that the government?”

“Well, not really.”

“Who then?”

“Our neighbor. They are throwing a party.”

“A party? Who for?”

“They didn’t say. I know who it is not for though.”


“You and I. Let’s get to work.”

My effort was:

Help wanted

I’m sorry to bother you, Boss
But I find myself at quite a loss,
This useless young whelp
That you sent me as ‘help’
Appears to do nothing but doss.

I showed her how she should prepare,
For the animals under our care,
Their daily repast
(it must be done fast)
But all she’ll do is stand and stare

She volunteered here at the zoo
To give herself something to do.
Yet when she should be working
She spends her time shirking
Or ‘doing her face’ in the loo.

First job of the day is the shopping
Then veggies and fruit all need chopping
Each of the species
Has different-sized pieces
(Can’t say much, herself is eavesdropping).

Can you please send me somebody new,
Who has some idea what they should do?
This one is so lazy
She’s driving me crazy
If not, then take my notice, too!

On to this week’s challenge: Using this photo as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put it (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keith@channing.info before 6pm next Sunday (if you aren’t sure what the time is where I live, this link will tell you). If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here – pingbacks don’t often work.

Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries, with links to your own blog or web site, next Monday.