Tagged: limericks

You think my job’s easy?

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Whilst rappelling down from my sleigh
To leave presents abroad on this day,
My elf shouted, “Look,
Ladder’ve fell from his hook!”
And I felt myself slipping away.

The ground started coming up fast
And I thought this year might be my last.
Then I saw that old light
And I hoped that it might
Catch my ladder and there hold me fast.

It did, and I hoped and I prayed
That the top of the rope wasn’t frayed.
My belief wasn’t wrong
The rope was well strong.
I should hope so, the price that I paid!

And then, in a stroke of pure luck
Along came a fire service truck.
I jumped on its ladder
(not too soon, with my bladder)
And climbed down as happy as Larry.

Who is this Larry? You say,
He’s my stand-in for Prancer today.
He crash-landed last year
Doesn’t have the all-clear
So he’s banished from pulling my sleigh.

You asked me and so I shall tell
No, my job doesn’t always go well.
It could oft-times be tragic
Without Santa’s magic
As the saying goes, “On that bombshell…”


This was written in response to Kreative Kue 240 published on this site.

There’s no arm in asking

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“STOP. Everybody stop.”

“What’s up, Dad?”

“Straight ahead. Either there’s a Polar Bear right in front of us or my name’s not – erm. Oh, no!”

“What’s up, Dad?”

“I can’t remember my name.”

“What d’you mean, you can’t remember your name.”

“Who said that?”

“Me.”

“Do I know you?”

“Course you do. I’m your son.”

“I have a son?”

“Okay, Dad. You’re scaring me now, and I don’t want the rest to start – you know what they’re like.”

“Got you going for a while there, didn’t I?”

“Yes, Dad, you did. Now, what’s this about a polar bear?”

“It’s a big one, Son. Deserves capital letters.”

“Okay. What’s this about a Polar Bear?”

“Can’t you see it ahead? Big and white.”

“Might be the abdominal snowman.”

“What?”

“Abdominal snowman.”

“Do you mean Abominable Snowman?”

“Properly.”

“Probably.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

“The Abominable Snowman, if it exists, is in the Himalayas, not the Alps.”

“And Yeti’s stood right in front of you.”

“So it seems.”

“Be nice, Dad. Go up to him, show respect and offer him your hand.”

“I did – and he bloody took it. How can I hold my sticks now?”

“I’ll hold ’em for you.”

“You need to hold your own, Son.”

“How am I supposed to hold my own against a bloomin’ polar bear – sorry, Polar Bear?”

“Alright – bored now.”


This was written in response to Kreative Kue 239 published on this site.

It takes two

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“Aah, look at that. Isn’t it absolutely the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?”

“What?”

“The chateau, silly. What else could I mean?”

“Me?”

“In your dreams, Sunshine.  Maybe twenty years ago. Certainly not now. Look at you.”

“Can’t. No mirror.”

“And look at those gardens.  Look how clean and tidy they look. How come you can’t make ours look like that?”

“Maybe in part because they aren’t that big. Or that level. Oh yes, and maybe because I don’t have a team of fifty people to do the hard work.”

“You don’t need them in a small garden like ours. Just you should be enough. Old Mr Smythe next door has his nice and here’s just one of him. And he’s older than you are.”

“And he has three strapping sons who come around to do the heavy lifting.”

“I’ve never seen that.”

“That’s because you spend most of your days in coffee mornings, WI meetings, church meetings and other do-goodery.”

“What’re you saying?”

“I’m saying you never see his lads helping him because you’re never home.”

“If you’d rather I didn’t get involved in things outside the house—”

“Don’t get me wrong. I’m quite happy to do all the housework as well as the gardening while you’re out gadding about. Besides I like my own company.”

“More than mine?”

“Your words, Dearest, not mine. Anyway, have you seen the size of that place?”

“Ooh, yes. It’s gorgeous, isn’t it?”

“Wouldn’t do for me. I’d end up having to do all the cleaning and dusting in that bloody great place whilst you’re out having a good time.”

“Excuse me. What I do is my civic duty. I’d hardly call it having a good time.”

“Of course, Dear.”


This was written in response to Kreative Kue 238 published on this site.