It’s okay to groan.


“‘Sup, Joe?”

“Not a lot, Russ. How about you. Any plans for the weekend?”

“I thought I’d meet up with a few of the rellies. Have a bit of a ding-dong. Wanna join in?”

“Not likely, mate!”

“Why’s that?”

“I’m right off family meets. Didn’t you hear what happened to me last Friday?”


“Well. I was hanging around, as you do…”

“As we all do, Joe; as we all do.”

“Precisely. Anyway, I was hanging around near one of those feeding places, when… who should turn up?”

“I don’t know, Joe. Who turned up?”

“Only Sheryl and Bob, that’s all.”

“Haven’t seen them in ages.”

“Neither had I, Russ. Neither had I. Well, they turn up and right behind them was their two young’uns.”

“Their girls? Ashley and Barbara?”

“None other. So, they—”

“Ashley and Barbara?”

“No, Sheryl and Bob—”

“Who you hadn’t seen for ages…”

“Do you want me to finish this story or are you just going to interrupt every five seconds?”

“Sorry, Joe. Go on.”

“Well, Sheryl and Bob said we should get together for a weekend barbie or something.”

“Isn’t that exactly what I just suggested, and you pooh-poohed the idea?”

“If you just let me finish, Russ, you’ll find out what happened, and you might just learn something.”

“Sorry. Shutting up.”

“They suggested a party, and I was all in favour of it, so—”

“Then why did you say no when I suggested it?”

“Will you shut up and listen for once in your life?”


“Like I said, I was all in favour of it. We started making plans: who to invite, where to meet, what we’d do and so on; and who do you imagine turned up next?”

“No idea.”

“You remember Jim?”


“You don’t remember him?”

“I do; of course I do.”

“So why did you say no when I asked?”

“That wasn’t no as in I don’t remember him, it was no as in an expression of bewilderment, bafflement, surprise, shock, confusion or perplexity.”


“As in don’t tell me Jim turned up! Nice use of the interrobang, by the way.”

“Thanks. I don’t think I use it often enough. Anyway, whether you want me to or not, I will tell you that Jim turned up. And he didn’t just turn up.”

“He didn’t? What else did he do? Did he want to join in the party?”

“No, he didn’t. Did you know he joined—”

“The police? I thought everyone knew that.”

“I didn’t until I saw him strutting around in his uniform. Looking and acting like a complete—”


“Near enough. Anyway. He stands there, listening in for a while, whilst we’re discussing our plans.”

“Then what did he do?”

“I’m just about to tell you. He stands up all official like and says, ‘Slow Joe Crow, I am placing you under arrest. You do not have to say anything. But it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.‘ Then he cuffs me.”

“That must have been difficult.”


“You don’t have any arms.”

“That’s not how they do it. Have you never been arrested?”

“Not to my knowledge, no.”

“Well, they put rings around your legs and kind of join them together, and a big bungee goes around your chest and back so you can’t use your wings.”

“The blackguards!”


“What happened then; after he arrested you?”

“I asked him what I was charged with.”

“And what did he say?”

“Conspiracy to commit a murder!”

[Now would be a good time to groan.]

This was written in response to Kreative Kue 335 published on this site.


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