Baby it’s cold outside

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“Tell me again why I have to walk the dogs all the way to the vet’s – on my own?”

“Do you seriously expect me to walk on slippery roads with my feet?”

“You keep on about your feet but you’ve never seen the doctor about them. What’s so badly wrong with them that you can’t even walk?”

“Metatarsalgia.”

“And what’s that in plain English?”

“I got a bone in my foot.”

“Bone spurs?”

“Worse.”

“Worse than bone spurs? Is there anything worse than them? They’re bad enough to stop brave men serving their country, for goodness’ sake!”

“Loads of things are worse, if you did but know it.”

“So what are you doing while I’m trudging through the snow, freezing cold?”

“Following you on my iPhone.”

“Stalking me, you mean?”

“I wouldn’t call it that. I’m using the ‘follow my friends’ app.”

“What for?”

“Something to do. It can get quite boring sat here waiting for you to get back from the vet’s. How long you gonna be anyway?”

“Let me see. It’s five kilometres to the vet’s, give or take. According to my phone, I’ve done just over two in… How long have I been gone?”

“Three quarters of an hour.”

“So, by my reckoning, I should get there in another two and a quarter hours; allow an hour there and three hours back. I should be back in about six hours.”

“What?”

“Six hours, give or take.”

“And you’d expect me to walk that much in this weather with my feet?”

“You expect me to with mine.”

“There’s nothing wrong with yours.”

“That’s what you think, Mister. I just don’t go on and on about it.”

“Anyway. If you’re not back for another six hours, what am I supposed to do about my dinner?”

“I don’t know. Maybe you could try making it yourself.”

“Nah. That’s alright, I’ll call in an Uber Eats.”

“Don’t forget that other delivery services are available…”

“Yeah, that.”

“Will they come out on these roads?”

“It’s not all that bad. They’ll manage.”

“So why am I walking? Why didn’t you offer to drive me and the dogs?”

“You didn’t ask.”

“Oh, sorry. So when I said, ‘can you drive me and the dogs to the vet?’ that wasn’t asking?”

“I don’t remember that.”

“Do you remember saying that the roads are too dangerous?”

“Did I say that?”

“You did.”

“Don’t remember that, but if you say I did then I must have.”

“So, what you’re saying now is that it’s too dangerous for you to drive but okay for the food delivery people.”

“Sounds about right.”

“And too far for you to walk but okay for me.”

“You got it.”

“Stuff you. I’m calling an Uber while accepting that other services are available.”

“Not on my account, you’re not.”

“You gonna stop me?”

“I s’pose not. Can I ask one thing, though?”

“What?”

“Can you stop in at the newsagent’s on the way back and pick me up a lottery ticket? I’m feeling especially lucky today.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I won’t be coming back that way. I need to call in somewhere else for some paperwork.”

“Where? What paperwork? … Hello? Hello? You still there?”


This was written in response to Kreative Kue 241 published on this site.

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